The Land of Far Distances
Nessi was born in a religious family which introduced her to Christianity. At first, it was all about going to church– but now that she was seventeen, it was all about Him; the One who she believed had died for her. She had always been assured that she was saved, and that hope always left a smile on her lips.
Tears. Flesh. Condemnation. On a random afternoon of the month of June, a Christian named Nessi was staying inside her room, she was distracting herself with all the elegant things on her study table to avoid her worries. She had always been assured of her salvation, but on that day, she was filled with overflowing questions– is she loved? Is she saved? If she is, then why does she keep on doing the things that her God told her not to do?
The gentle touch from the wind’s embrace made Nessi shiver– it was soft, but her body knew nothing but to shiver. Fear crept into her system, and before she could collect her thoughts, her mind already welcomed the condemnation she tried to resist. In an attempt to comfort herself, she stood up and went towards the window pane to get a glimpse of the sun’s smile– but to no avail, the sunlight blades had bid its farewell. There was nothing left on the sky but a fragment of its orange hues that was starting to be overpowered by the ash-like clouds. In a quick move, Nessi closed her window and stormed towards her bed. Her bare feet kissed the coldness of the floor before her knees dropped on the feathers of her carpet.
Her heart thumped against her chest, dug dug dug– and before she could pacify herself– her warm tears already cascaded on her cheeks. Suddenly, everything felt like a burden to her; her studies, her phone, her emotions. . . everything.
“My God. . . examine my heart and help Your servant,” Nessi uttered in pain. “I don’t want to question the love You had for me, LORD– not when I made it here because of Your grace. Remind this heart of how Your promises never fail, and save me from my thoughts! Abba. . . I surrender now.”
With her loud sob, the rain felt as though it desired to fill the dry riverbeds beside their house. The once quiet room echoed both her cries and the rain’s loud drum on her ceiling. She cried and cried until her tears tasted like that of the ocean water, and right there– she was reminded of how her God can walk on and through the water. As if the LORD was speaking to her, the rain roared inside her room together with the loud thunderstorm. It was a reminder. A reminder that even if she’s barely holding herself together, the LORD will save her– He will show up in the deepest waters to save her from being drowned inside her mind. Indeed, she was saved. Nessi gripped her silky shirt and prayed loud. And louder. And louder.
Until the rain died down, and she opened her eyes.
She blinked rapidly and all at once, everything looked brighter. Her wall glowed like the moon, her carpet felt more feathery than before, and the candlelight in front of her reflected the burning hope inside her heart that what God has started in her, He will finish. Nessi slowly spun around, still on her knees, and tried to find where the sweet whiff that engulfed her nose was coming from.
Slowly. Very slowly. . . a small smile escaped her lips as the opened window welcomed her sight and the dried roses enveloped her room with its woody scent. Nessi remembered that she shut the window close, but perhaps, the rain was indeed a sent solace and the window that unknowingly opened was a symbolism of how God can open what we try to close and hide. A beautiful reminder that God doesn’t want us to hide from him when we feel ashamed of ourselves. . . for even with the distance between the Earth and Heaven– nothing is too far for Him to not see what our heart is crying for.
And now, I, Jireh Nessi Lavilla, stood and reminisced how a big and magnificent smile etched on the lips of the I both loved and hated before. I looked back at the trail that told me time had moved and the clock’s hand had ticked. I gave June 26, 2024 a genuine smile and turned my back, ready to take another walk farther so that I could be better.
Nessi was loved. Is loved. And will be loved.
She was saved. Is saved. And will always be saved.
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